Work challenge!

Bring on the work challenge. We are starting a weight loss challenge at work today. I'm hoping this will be the push I need. Weigh in this morning I was at 182 on the work scales...these CANNOT be the same as my home scale...I really hope. Challenge is to whomever loses the biggest percent if weight by then end of 8 weeks. My goal is 20 lbs. Hopefully I'm not too optimistic.

The plan!!

Back at it

Just spent some time planning out my next month's workouts. I'm excited ;). I have a 10k run at the end of the month that I am excited to run, and I rejoined the gym and have started back at that again. I'm feeling very positive.

No pop, lots of water, healthy food, minimal treats. This is how i did it before, and I will be able to finish this once and for all!!

Current weight : 176.8
Goal weight: 144
Total to go: 32.8

Why is it so hard??

When my life was structured and I knew what to expect, it was so much easier to get things in order and follow a structured eating/exercise plan.  With Ally in the mix, and not working right now, it is next to impossible. I know what to do...I help others figure out what to do, I have the time, but I just feel so overwhelmed with it all that I get frustrated and give up after only a week or two.  Having someone to share it with and go through it with made it so much easier. Tackling it (and life) alone is soooo much harder.  I hope I can find that groove and passion I had for health and fitness again soon...this slump is killing me. I don't want to go backwards. That is the scariest thing ever to me.

My 31st Year

I can't believe that it is almost the end of June...that means almost my birthday...almost 31 WOW!
I can;t wait to put 30 behind me. The number doesn't bother me at all. My daughter was born this year, which was amazing, and thankfully what kept me going throughout the otherwise hardest year of my life. How something so tiny and innocent can become my hero I will never know, but she did it! Unfortunately, there are also many special occassions from my 30th year that are marked with pain and sadness and I am ready to put that all behind me. The 31st year can only be better. Things are looking up, I am feeling like a different person than I did last year at this time, and I am hoping to replace all of the pain and sadness in the special occasions of the past year with amazing family memories this year.

I have learned how to think for myself, take care of myself, be true to myself and most importantly how to never give up on what I believe in, what I know in my gut and in my heart is right. I am still holding on, not giving up, and hoping for the outcome I have been hoping for all year. I once thought that this dedication was a character flaw, that I was weak for holding on, believing, waiting. I now believe it to be a strength. I admire myself for not giving up when times were tough. No matter what other people think or believe, I know that I am being true to myself and that is all that matters.  When this is all behind me I will be a much stronger person. I just really really can't wait to say it is all behind me :)

Ahhhh....great day

Today was all about distracting myself...and i think I managed ok.  I started volunteering a few weeks ago, so I had that this morning, then I went for a visit to a good friend's place for lunch and a 2 hour walk :)  Ally and I then went to visit Papa (my dad) and she seemed to make his day. I love it when she makes other people smile as much as she makes me smile.  Ally fell asleep shortly after that and then I finished waterproofing the back deck, front stairs, and the ramp to the shed. It was a great day as far as getting some things accomplished.

I also joined weight watchers online to get myself back into tracking and I actually tracked all day yesterday and today.  This felt great.

Also...after a year (almost EXACTLY to the date) of chaos, it seems my life is starting to come back together...I have learned more about patience, love, and understanding over this past year than I have during teh rest of my life. I just hope hope hope that is all works out the way I want it too...and it looks like it will :)

Ultimate Goal

There have been some huge, HUGE changes in my life in the last year. Some of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with, and the best thing that has ever happened to me, all in the same year. Lets talk about the best thing...my daughter. She makes me smile just thinking about her, she is absolutely perfect in every way...now at 4am when she is awake I may not totally think that is true, but for the most part it is ;) She is going to be 9 months old in a couple of weeks, I really can't believe that! Where has the time gone?

So...I want to be the best example I can be for her. I want to STOP constantly fretting about my body, what I eat, how much I work out, etc, before she is old enough to see it and starts the same bad habits...I just have to figure out exactly how to do that. I think if I get to my ultimate goal I will know how to maintain it...just need to be in control enough to get there. Seeing as I am an emotional eater, and there are some tough things going on right now, this will be difficult...but if I try to remember that it is setting a good example for Ally then I am hoping it will help.

I only gained 20 pound with my pregnancy and it is all gone now...but I was up a few pounds before I got pregnant. So, although I am at my pre-pregnancy weight I am not where I want or need to be. I am not that far off though, really. At my highest weight I was 244 pounds. I am currently at 169. So that is EXACTLY 75 pounds (overall) gone. I need to remember that is awesome :) I have 25 to get off to hit the ultimate goal of where I would LOVE to be. 144... which would be a total of 100 pounds gone. This is the beginning of the next chapter for me.

I have been away from this blog for a while, but it is a great document of my journey in the first few years. I want to be disciplined enough to use this as a vent as often as possible...as you can see from previous posts I have said this many times :) Feel free to read through, leave comments, and we will see if I can actually stick to this for a change...

New Mantra

You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there. I need to remember this.

It has been an exceptionally tough few months for me. I thankfully haven't had anything seriously bad happen to me, but I am struggling, as usual, with me. Side effect of the self doubt and self pity...no results on the weight loss path. I think I have just started to realize that if I keep this negative, pessimistic attitude towards life in general (which anyone who knows me knows is no who I am at all...bit it has been that way lately) then I am not going to see positive changes in my life.

I read the quote I opened this post with, earlier today. I need to get out of the water before I drown. I have come up for air once or twice recently, but I end up face first again with in a day or two. I need to stop letting other people dictate what kind of mood I am going to be in. I need to get back to me! Today is the first day of the swim towards shore.

Time to re-evaluate (AGAIN!)

Okay, so the new program I started back in August proved to be exactly what I needed for performance while running. I was able to shave almost 10 minutes off of my personal best time for running the half marathon back in September. I have a new goal of getting under 2 hours by my next half marathon, which is looking like sometime in the early spring (Halifax or Fredericton??).

Unfortunately I am seeing ZERO results on the scale. I know the scale is just a number, but as far as weight loss/definition and sculpting this new plan doesn't seem to be working. I try so hard not t get frustrated, and to experiment with different things. This past week was a huge slap in the face at weigh in. I was as close to perfect as I have ever been with my timing, with my water, with what I ate. I also made sure to get to the gym just about every day. Result...up 3 pounds!! WTF! I had the worst week ever two weeks ago as far as being on plan, and I was only up a half pound then. FRUSTRATED to say the least.

My consultant has been great with trying to help me figure out what could be hindering my success on the scale. I have to remember I have lost 80 (plus or minus depending on the week) pounds. I AM successful, I have maintained that weight loss for almost 3 years now. BUT, I just want a little more. To hit that 100 pound mark would make me soar. I want to be able to put on a two piece bathing suit with pride. I also want one day where I don't think about every ounce of food i put in my body, and I don't stress out about missing one day at the gym...

so what have we narrowed it down to....stress! Stress hinders weight loss, that is not a secret. I am having some serious doubts about my career path, I am stressed out about losing the weight, I am high strung in regards to getting my new place decorated and "put together". These are all things that have been there, nipping at the back of my mind, for ever (mind you the house has changed 4 times in 3 years...which could also be adding to the stress). So what is my solution.... I don't know just yet. I need a hobby...i need something I am passionate about that I can focus on and feel good about. I need something I am good at. Now to find it. I have tons of ideas, have for a long time...now I just need to put something into action. Lets see where this goes :)

New Chapter

I am excited today. I am like a child waiting for christmas. I have always loved, and still love the weight watchers program, but i think it has done as much for me as it can. It is a fantastic program that will give results to absolutely anyone who follows the rules and the rules are easy to follow. I have been following then for 4 1/2 years now, and it has gifted me with a ~80 lbs weight loss that I have been able to maintain. But I am bored, and I want more...don't we all.

I am healthy now. I know that. I look fine, I am not over weight and I am fairly athletic. But I want to take it to the next level. Now don't get me wrong, I don't want to be a size 0 supermodel...well I do, but I know that is not realistic for me. I want to look in the mirror and knock my own socks off, simple as that. What that means is not necessarily a number on the scale, although I do have a goal in mind, I will not measure success only by that number. I want to be lean. I want to be sexy. I want to wear a bikini. I want to feel like the outside matches the inside, and I am soooooooooo close. I just need that one extra something...and I think I found it!!

I have been considering this program for about a year now, off and on. I wans't all that sure what it was about. I had visions of supplements and high costs in my head...poeple who just want my money and don't really care about my results. I thought of other programs I had looked into and how they were generic, nothing really tailor made for me...I wanted tailor made, I CRAVED tailor made. So I finally got it in my head to go and have a consultation. I already love the program and I haven't even started yet. Why? Because it isn't focused on weight loss, it isn't generic, and it doesn't involve any magic pills or special potions. it involves real food. Simply for Life looks like it will be what I need to get to my ULTIMATE goal of 100 pounds lost...although I am not focusing only on the number. If I can confidently wear a bikini and 90 pounds lost, I am great with that.

The other great thing is that they are goingto customize the program to help with my marathon training!! I know I don't eat the right things for a runner, I just eat what I know. This is going to help my performance and maybe even boost my love of running to a level wherea notehr full marathon is not out of the question. I look forard to sharing this new chapter of my journey with you all.

I can't believe I am saying this....

So, I have been so happy this summer to not have a strict running regime to stick to,. After training for and completing the 1/2 at Marathon by the Sea in 2007 and the Full Marathon in 2008, I was anxious to have a summer where running didn't dictate my evenings/weekends. I have been keeping myself busy with lots of other activities, and getting a run in here and there, but nothing strict or formal. I have had many people asking me if I was going to be doing another marathon this year and I laughed ans said never again. Maybe someday another 1/2, but not a full.

I thought I was happy with not running. But to be true to myself I would see people out running and long for the discipline and high that comes with running. So I started a strict and somewhat intense 8 week schedule to get ready for the 1/2 at Marathon by the Sea again this year...the countdown is on. As soon as I made the decision I felt more fit and more focused then I have in a long time. 1 week in, I have completed all of the scheduled runs and am feeling awesome!

If only I could have the same strict control over food I would be set. I am trying hard to stay on plan and write down what I eat. More on that later.

Facing Reality

I usually weigh in on tuesdays, but since I was moving this past tuesday, I missed my usual meeting. I went in yesterday and was a whopping 167, not really my ideal weight, or where I want to be, but it was a slap in the face to get back on track, no more excuses, no more "starting tomorrow"s.

Had a surprise visit from family this afternoon and went out for dinner, which is always something I need mental preparation for if I am going to be good. I ended up going with a 6" calzone...estimated (which I HATE doing) 10 points. I atleast stuck to writing everything down today. That is number one goal to getting back on track.

I have been doing well with getting in activity. Monday I did a 50 minute spin class, tuesday was bootcamp and moving out o fmy old place, wednesday I moved into the new place, but didn't get a formal workout in, thursday was bootcamp again, and this afternoon i did another 50 minute spin class. felt great getting in the workouts, and sweating a bit. I am not sure bootcamp is doing for me what i need, but it is better than nothing. I am trying to work out a gym schedule that will give me what i need and be fun at the same time...we will see how it goes.

Back and Better than Ever!!

So I have been away from this for waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too long. I need accountability, I need to brag about my success and I need to have support when I flub up. So here I am again, trying to get back into the blogging thing. I love to do it, but finding the time has been a bit of a challenge. I haev decided that, as my title suggests, I am worth it.

So here is my update:

I hit my weight watchers goal weight weekes before my wedding, and became a lifetime member a week before the wedding. It was great, the wedding was great. Lots of life changes in the last little while, but I am still mainaining ALMOST my weight watchers goal weight. Goal was 160...I have been hovering a little closer (or exactly at) the 165 mark for the last year. September 2008 i ran my first marathon (did a 1/2 in september 2007, and a half in July of 2008 as well). The training for that really boosted my appetite, and I haven't been able to get back to the 160 mark yet. Accountability is what I am missing, so we will see how this blogging thing goes this time around.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year from Josh and I! I am hoping to get back to blogging on this page more frequently. I have been doing well with my weightloss journey, mostly documented in my other blog (chubbycanadian.extrapounds.com), and have about 23 pounds left tp go to hit my goal of 100 pounds gone.

I am predicting this to be a fabulous year...number one reason the wedding! I am so excited for the wedding. Also, Josh has been goiing through the admissions process for the RCMP for what seems like ages, and I am confident this will be the year it sees all that hard work realized!

Another reason 2007 will be great, my best friend is going to be a mom!! I still can't believe it! Any day now, she'll be giving birth to a beautiful baby boy.

Depending on how my last 3 years of work experience are evaluated (4 if you include my pregrad experience), as well as the results of my law/ethics test I wrote in December, in May I will also be able to call myself a professional engineer...not that it changes anything for me really...but if you need a passport signed, I can do the job ;)

I am sure there are many other reasons this year will be fabulous, just can't think of them at the top of my head as I sit here and write! But be sure to stay tuned to my two blogs, as I am sure they will be filled with positve news!

Missing Blogger

So my new page is lots of fun and it does cool things, but one thing it doesn't allow is comments from anyone who doesn't have an account. And I don't think I like taht avery much, so I am going to check in here once and a while as well.

Things have been going well with the weight loss...have lost for the last 5 weeks...although sometiems pretty small amounts. But hey, a loss is a loss, and I will take it with a smile on ;)

I am also trying to get in the swing of things as far as planning my wedding goes. It is tricky to do from half way across the country, and I am havinga really tough time with the most important decision...Location. I knwo I am having it in teh Saint John area, but I can't figure out where to have the actual wedding. My futuer hubby is not at all keen in getting married in a church for personal reasons, and I respect that...but it really limits my choices. I would LOVE to get married outside, but I just can't handle the stress of weather screwing everything up (May can be rainy, May can be sunny...you never know)...and well I am stumped. So I am asking all you fellow NBers out there to help me with this...do you have any ideas on a great wedding location? A place that could host both the wedding and reception is ideal...so all my out of town guests don't have to get crazy lost in crazy SJ. HELP!!!

New Blog Address

I am pretty bored with this blog, it can't do a lot of the fun things I would like to add (or I should say I can't figure out how to do them) and I found a new place that I really love. So check out http://chubbycanadian.extrapounds.com for my new home for the time being. Once I reach goal I may come back here ;)

See you there :)

Just Checkin in

I did really well watching what I put into my mouth for most of last week, but as usual the weekend kicked my ass... I decided that I would make some carrot muffins with cream cheese icing (low fat carrot cake, low fat cream cheese), and it was so good. I made 18 muffins, and between Josh and me they were gone by the end of the weekend. (To my credit Josh had more than I did). This combined with a Pizza/garlic bread night, and a foot long subway sub, provided for a nice gain of almost 2 pounds this week (BLAH!!!).

For those of you who are counting, or who have lost count more like it, I am now at 205 pounds (I hate saying that)...which is a 39 pound loss from last year...February 1st, 2006, when I started this whole weightloss journey. It also is the same weight I was at in July! This is right, in 7 months I have lost, gained, and lost and gained the same 5 pounds about 7 times! This is really starting to wear me out...it is like my body knows how badly I would love to be under 200 pounds for once in my adult life! aaarrrggggg...so frustrating...

BUT the good news is that I know exactly why I am not losing...bad news is for some reason I keep sabotaging myself. I will have one week where I will do what I need to do (and I will lose a few pounds) then a week where I somehow forget everything I have learned in the last year (and I gain a few pounds).

I am not trying to be all boohoo Carolyn, feel bad for me, not at all. I am trying to make myself accountable for the bad choices I repeatedly make, and I think that confessing this out loud (or on the internet) is what I need. I can sit here and say it to myself over and over, but until I actually put it out there, I don't think I can actually do anything about it.

So what I have to do is start from the beginning...all over again. I need to establish why I am doing this, what my goals are, why I want to reach those goals, and how I am going to get there! Sorry to you all who thought this would be an exciting post ;)

Why I am doing this:
1. To be healthy, cause my family is a walking medical reference, and I don't want to be a part of that!
2. To be comfortable with me. I hate the feeling you have as a chubby girl in today's world; it is not pleasant at all. I just want to feel good about who I am.

What my goals are:
I would like to lose 5 pounds a month. If I do that, then in 1 year I will be at my goal weight of 144 pounds.

How I am going to get there:
1. JOURNALING! I need to write down every bit of food that goes into my mouth. To some this seems extreme, to me it is the only way I am accountable for what I am eating. No days off from journaling, and no excuses to go over my daily points allowance (including flex and activity points of course)
2. EXERCISE: I am committing to 5 days of exercise a week. All of these days will involve cardio training of at least 30 minutes, and 3 times a week I will do strength training. NO EXCUSES!
3. No TV until 8:00pm during the week: Seems simple...but it is not. TV is what I use for relaxation, and I need to change that. Once and a while it is an okay thing to do, watch a good show here and there, and I can not cut it out completely just yet, but I am going to limit myself. this is in hopes of becoming a little more active.

So there, hopefully this "plan" will help drive me in the proper direction. It is down on "paper", and I can look back at it when I need to.

Now I am going to reread all of my old posts, to see if I can remember how great it feels to be on the "losing" path!

Wedding Dresses

It was brought to my attention yesterday that I have only posted once since Christmas...I am getting pretty slack. Especially since this is one of the main resources I was using at one point to help me monitor my progress in this oh so fun journey of weightloss. This, combined with my weight watchers meeting last night pointed me to the number one reason why I haven't been as successful in these past few months as I was in teh beginning...ACCOUNTABILITY!

So I am hoping to atleast post here once a week...once a day is a bitmuch since I had been posting once a month for a while. Eventually it would be nice to get myself up to a once a day post, but don't hold your breath (all 3 people who read this) just yet.

So what has been happening in my life you ask...well I just got back from visiting my best friend Heather in Grande Cache Alberta (Don't feel bad if you have no idea where that is, I didn't either). Talk about a beautiful part of the country...I had never seen mountains before, and they were in her backyard. I loved it there! And to top it off, she is training for what is called the Death Race (she is in amazing shape!) and went for a run pretty much every day we were there. I didn't want her to feel bad for leaving me alone, so I went with her...that is right, I ran most of the days I was on vacation. And not just a little bit either. I mean I didn't get up to her 6 miles a day...but I was running almost 4 (3.8)...which is over 6 kilometers. It felt fantastic to do that first thing in the morning!

Oh and we went to the West Edmonton Mall...Holy Huge! And Heather decides that I should try on some wedding dresses. I said taht I am not even near ther weight I want to be for the wedding (it is over a year away) and that it will just discourage me to see how far away I am from my goals, and she said she wouldn't take no for an answer (she is really hard to say no to in the first place). So off we went to the "bridal boutique" section of the mall. The first store we went to was really prissy and wouldn't let us in without an appointment (plus they were snobby!) so I said lets just forget it for now, but I was convinced to go to anotehr store. The girls at this store were SO NICE, and they looked at me, grabbed two dresses and put me in a changing room...they said don't look at the size, just try the darn things on.

So I slipped into the first one, walked out and saw the look on Heather (and Vanessa who was also hanging out with us at the mall...Thanks Vee!!) and thought...what, is taht a bad look or a good look? Then I got up on the little stand thing adn looked in teh mirror and my jaw literally dropped. HOLY CRAP! I actually looked fab-u-lous in the dress...and I am still a big girl...and I wanted to cry just knowing that I would look great on my wedding even if I didn't get down to 145 pounds like I want to be (although I am still going to be trying mighty hard). So then I try the next dress on, and this time, when I looked in the mirror, there was no "felt like crying", I actually teared up. And so did Heather...and I am almost positive that I have found my dress! Then they go and put a veil and tiara on me, and I didn't wantto move from in front of that mirror. I know now why people pay so much for wedding dresses, they are miracle workers! They take any flaw you have and hide it, and they enhance all your positive attributes! it made my vacation so fabulous, and I haven't been able to stop weding planning since! And to top it off, the dress was 2 sizes smaller than I wore in Heather's wedding in September, and it is made my the same designer, and it was still a bit big. Ahhh so Fabulous!

On another note (kind of back to where I started on in this post) I need to journal what I eat every day...this is the key for me, and I need to get in my exercise, which usually isn't a problem, if I want to be successful. To end on a fabulous quote that I read at the gym in Grande Cache....

WITHOUT A STRUGGLE THERE IS NO PROGRESS

Over all ready

I can't believe that my Christmas Vacation is over all ready...but I can say that although I didn't get to see everyone I wanted to see, I overall had a great trip home.

So now let’s get down to business....the reason for my blog...my battle with the bulge ;)
Well I started off on my 2 and a half week vacation saying that I would let myself eat whatever I wanted to eat on Christmas eve and Christmas day...cause those are the days my family has the yummiest foods around, and I figured what could two days worth of not counting points really hurt. After the 22 hour drive to home (stupid rush hours in Toronto and Montreal!) I soon realized that keeping track of points was not as straight forward as it was at home...or at least that is what I let my self believe, and so I did not count a single point after noon on my first day. To tell you the truth, I actually realize now that I have no idea where my tracker even is...somewhere in NB...lots of good it is doing me here.

To give my self some credit I did promise to at least be conscious of what I was eating. And I was, until Christmas Eve...and it didn’t stop till I got home 2 weeks later. WHY did I give my self permission to go all out for two days, knowing that I wouldn't be able to stop at that? I should have been strict...but it was Christmas and I thought I deserved a bit of a splurge. I can feel it though…creeping up on me...the truth will be revealed tomorrow at weigh in. I am expecting a 5 pound increase. I can deal with that...I have dealt with it before.

Today I am joining the gym here in Kincardine and I am getting back on track. No more slips for me, 55 to lose this year, 45 down last year (and I didn't even really start till April) so I think I can do it...HELLO 2006!