Why is it so hard??

When my life was structured and I knew what to expect, it was so much easier to get things in order and follow a structured eating/exercise plan.  With Ally in the mix, and not working right now, it is next to impossible. I know what to do...I help others figure out what to do, I have the time, but I just feel so overwhelmed with it all that I get frustrated and give up after only a week or two.  Having someone to share it with and go through it with made it so much easier. Tackling it (and life) alone is soooo much harder.  I hope I can find that groove and passion I had for health and fitness again soon...this slump is killing me. I don't want to go backwards. That is the scariest thing ever to me.

My 31st Year

I can't believe that it is almost the end of June...that means almost my birthday...almost 31 WOW!
I can;t wait to put 30 behind me. The number doesn't bother me at all. My daughter was born this year, which was amazing, and thankfully what kept me going throughout the otherwise hardest year of my life. How something so tiny and innocent can become my hero I will never know, but she did it! Unfortunately, there are also many special occassions from my 30th year that are marked with pain and sadness and I am ready to put that all behind me. The 31st year can only be better. Things are looking up, I am feeling like a different person than I did last year at this time, and I am hoping to replace all of the pain and sadness in the special occasions of the past year with amazing family memories this year.

I have learned how to think for myself, take care of myself, be true to myself and most importantly how to never give up on what I believe in, what I know in my gut and in my heart is right. I am still holding on, not giving up, and hoping for the outcome I have been hoping for all year. I once thought that this dedication was a character flaw, that I was weak for holding on, believing, waiting. I now believe it to be a strength. I admire myself for not giving up when times were tough. No matter what other people think or believe, I know that I am being true to myself and that is all that matters.  When this is all behind me I will be a much stronger person. I just really really can't wait to say it is all behind me :)

Ahhhh....great day

Today was all about distracting myself...and i think I managed ok.  I started volunteering a few weeks ago, so I had that this morning, then I went for a visit to a good friend's place for lunch and a 2 hour walk :)  Ally and I then went to visit Papa (my dad) and she seemed to make his day. I love it when she makes other people smile as much as she makes me smile.  Ally fell asleep shortly after that and then I finished waterproofing the back deck, front stairs, and the ramp to the shed. It was a great day as far as getting some things accomplished.

I also joined weight watchers online to get myself back into tracking and I actually tracked all day yesterday and today.  This felt great.

Also...after a year (almost EXACTLY to the date) of chaos, it seems my life is starting to come back together...I have learned more about patience, love, and understanding over this past year than I have during teh rest of my life. I just hope hope hope that is all works out the way I want it too...and it looks like it will :)

Ultimate Goal

There have been some huge, HUGE changes in my life in the last year. Some of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with, and the best thing that has ever happened to me, all in the same year. Lets talk about the best thing...my daughter. She makes me smile just thinking about her, she is absolutely perfect in every way...now at 4am when she is awake I may not totally think that is true, but for the most part it is ;) She is going to be 9 months old in a couple of weeks, I really can't believe that! Where has the time gone?

So...I want to be the best example I can be for her. I want to STOP constantly fretting about my body, what I eat, how much I work out, etc, before she is old enough to see it and starts the same bad habits...I just have to figure out exactly how to do that. I think if I get to my ultimate goal I will know how to maintain it...just need to be in control enough to get there. Seeing as I am an emotional eater, and there are some tough things going on right now, this will be difficult...but if I try to remember that it is setting a good example for Ally then I am hoping it will help.

I only gained 20 pound with my pregnancy and it is all gone now...but I was up a few pounds before I got pregnant. So, although I am at my pre-pregnancy weight I am not where I want or need to be. I am not that far off though, really. At my highest weight I was 244 pounds. I am currently at 169. So that is EXACTLY 75 pounds (overall) gone. I need to remember that is awesome :) I have 25 to get off to hit the ultimate goal of where I would LOVE to be. 144... which would be a total of 100 pounds gone. This is the beginning of the next chapter for me.

I have been away from this blog for a while, but it is a great document of my journey in the first few years. I want to be disciplined enough to use this as a vent as often as possible...as you can see from previous posts I have said this many times :) Feel free to read through, leave comments, and we will see if I can actually stick to this for a change...