So after the run I showered and went to work. Worked for the mandatory 7.5 and then headed back to the gym for pump class. I was sooooo tired, but I made it through and it felt really good.
Then I was walking through the mall to get to my bus stop and I see this HUGE sale at a store I LOVE but reminded myself that I can't fit into their clothes.
Let’s rewind for a second. For about the last 3 years I have not been able to buy any clothing at a store that doesn't sell "Plus" sized clothing. I absolutely HATE shopping for clothing and when I absolutely had to do it (usually cause the clothes I had were getting too tight) I got so depressed and sad and would literally cry in the changing room because I realized I had to go up another size....or because the clothes that I loved just wouldn't fit and I couldn't find anything that did. It didn't help that there was a HUGE mirror that I could look in and see how bad I actually looked. It actually got to a point where I didn't even care what the clothes looked like; if they fit I bought them. My fiancé or my mom would usually be the one with me when shopping (hardly ever my friends, I was too embarrassed to get them to go to a plus sized store) and I know it killed them to see me so upset when I came out empty handed, or with nothing I really liked again and again...jeans were the HARDEST thing to find!
I would get really upset when I would go out shopping with my friends because they could see something they liked and buy it...no worries if it would fit, they ALWAYS had their sizes. Their biggest dilemma was seeing TOO MANY clothes they liked and having to decide what they could buy. And sometimes getting mad cause they had to buy a6 or an 8, and complaining about how they didn't realize they were that fat (for those of you reading that I ever shopped with, this is why I was always a cranky shopper)
When I started on this journey a few months ago I knew that the biggest marker of success for me was going to be able to go into ANY store I wanted to, see and outfit I liked, and KNOW that it would be available in my size. I wanted to be a normal 25 year old girl that loved shopping not loathed it.
So now back to yesterday. I saw the sale and was hit with the pain of wishing so bad that I could just browse through and pick up a few things at this sale. Then I started to think, well maybe now some things in there will fit...but do I dare try. If I do go in and try on a dress and it doesn't fit it would crush me I would be upset for at least the rest of the day, if not longer, and I would feel like all my hard work isn't paying off. I was a size 20(XXL, or XXXL at some stores) so to think that a 14-16, or an XL would fit now is probably way too optimistic.
Then I said, yes, but you can try it on and see how far away you are from fitting into normal size clothes right? You might be surprised. So I walked over to the rack I was eyeing from the escalator and looked at some of the sale items. They were so pretty. I picked up an XL and walked slowly to the changing room, having second, and third, and fourth thoughts the whole way over...but then I walked in.
Thought process while trying on the dress....
- Okay so don't look in the mirror you will just get discouraged
- okay clothes off...wait is the door locked, yup okay...clothes off
- why are you doing this you are just going to go home sad cause you know it won't fit
- but you will see how close you are, just try it
- okay untie, unzip really hot dress....
- how the heck do you work this thing...oh okay, here we go
- okay dress on now for the zipper
- holding breath...zipping...omigosh...
- omigosh, omigosh, omigosh it fits!! it fits!! IT FITS!!!!!
- okay now you have to look in the mirror to see if it actually looks okay
- okay slowly turning...
- standing in front of mirror
- open your eyes moron!
- Wow, is that me?? The dress actually fits and looks pretty decent if I may say so myself
- having mini crying spell...but happy instead of sad as usual
- walk straight to the register with red eyes looking like a knob and get ready to buy
dress
- realize I didn't even check the price tag
- realize I don't really care how much it costs, cause IT FITS!!!!!!!!
I don't even think that words can almost describe the UNBELIEVABLE happiness I felt when that dress fit. I am sure that not everything in the store would fit, and that I still can't walk into ANY store I want to and have something fit, but it validated my success so far. WOW does it feel good!
14 comments:
I love these types of posts! Caro, I can totally picture you, you hot mama! You make me want to do something significant with my free time!
Carol you made me cryr at work when I read this so I hope you are happy :)
Thanks so much Gillian, that really mans a lot...speaking of hot mamas that is a great picture of you!
Sorry Jode :)...yes I am happy...hehehehe
means a lot...not mans a lot ;) hehehe
carolyn, i am sooooooooooooo proud of your great work, just take it easy dont try to do to much all at once. you do look awsome.
Hi Carol!!
I think you are doing so great. I don't know how you do it but you are lookin good. I am so proud of you carol. You are one determined chick. I love you Carol!!!!! I bet you know who this is. Congrats and keep up the good work.
OMG Carol that is absolutely fanbatstic!!! I am so proud of you
I am watching on to see how you go on your way - I can only imagine me doing the same thing in a few months.
Jadey 0:-)
So many people with the encouragement, I am loving it...thanks so much!!!!
Caro, I'm crying at work. (And not cause of HWMNBN either.)
This is something that I never thought I'd tell you, but... There's another side to this sort of thing.
When you have a wonderful, wonderful friend, and she is the very personification of "ray of sunshine" in a way only your sister (Tanya) can compare to, you don't see her all that often, and you see the progress one way then the progress the other way... it is an emotional ride. It makes you sad to see your friend suffer through the kind of stress I know you were going through. It was obvious to me that you were upset about it, and I didn't know what to say anymore. I know I wasn't there everyday, and I can't possibly know exactly how it was for you, but I could tell, whenever we talked about clothes or formals or shopping or anything like that, the year you graduated. Since then, I shied from saying anything to do with clothes or formals or even shoes, really, because I could see that you weren't the same on that level. And because I love you, it hurt me to see you suffering that way.
I remember us sometime in the end of our 3rd year (or maybe beginning of our 4th?), both of us feeling like we had just lost weight and were fit, both us of looking fiiiine, and both us in a stairwell up on our way to a party. Do you remember that day? I remember walking up behind you, and thinking "Damn! Carolyña looks great!" I told you, and then you looked back at me and smiled a sassy smile I haven't seen in a long time, and said with that contagious laugh of yours "you know, I noticed that you're looking pretty good yourself!" And we both meant it. I don't think it was just another one of those days where you tell your friend that she looks good. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but once in a while, you hear what your friend tells you, because you hear that they mean it in their voice. And that was one of those moments.
I've remembered that moment many, many, many times over the passed few years.
And you know what? I know that one day, we'll both be going up a stairwell, on our way to something fabulous, in our best digs, and I'll have those same thoughts again, and so will you.
Thanks T...now I am crying at work.
I remember the EXACT moment that you are talking about and I too have remembered it over and over again...and I remember how I felt back then, and I am starting to feel that way again!
It is stupid that the way I looked actually affected my personality as much as it did, but I really think it did these past few years...and I think that that was more of what motivated me than anything else, I missed the person I used to be...fun and outgoing and always ready for a good time...seems I turned into the person who never wanted to do anything...I had to be pulled kicking and screaming into anything fun...well the sassy me is finding her way back, and I can't wait till we can have fun together again!! I am really glad you told me all that ;)
Oh Carol! This post was the absolute best. And I know exactly how you felt about going to those stores and never being able to go into the change room. This past school year I was going into my favorite stores and trying on XL's and they were not fitting. Everytime I went to the mall with friends I wouldn't even bother trying things on unless I had to and after I seriously felt like a piece of crap. And I was too stubborn to go to a plus sized store to buy clothes.
I'm the biggest I've ever been in my whole life (much bigger then I was when I was at Lepreau complaining about my weight) and I've just recently started in at the gym and am going to be talking to a personal trainer at the end of the week. Hearing a story like this is soooo uplifting...knowing that if you can get through this then I can too.
I miss you so much and I hope that soon I can come and see how great you look...and show you how well I'm doing.
luv you hun.
WOW, I dont know any of you guys, but you make me want to cry. I am over in Australia and to know all those feelings that you are feeling Carolyn, I went through those ups an downs also and congratulate you for getting where you are. I am so glad that you and your friends can discuss the issues that could stay and hurt your mind over time and clear any evil out from inside. I will be continuing watching your post. Very encouraging!!
CAROLYN, YOUR POSTS AND YOUR LETTERS OF ENCOURAGMENT ARE SO NICE ITS GREAT TO SEE YOU HAVE SO MUCH SUPPORT,YOU GO GIRL, LOVE MOM
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